Lytle Lodge: Vacancy

The Lytle Lodge has a vacancy.  Our foster son was reunified with his family.  This has been a difficult journey to mentally process, so I am struggling with how to put the trip into words. Perhaps it would be best to mention some snapshots about it.  Maybe, once I see a bulleted list of feelings, observations, etc., I will be able to see some pattern that will make a beautiful picture of what I am supposed to learn and think.

• I was ready for him to go home.  Things were getting better.  His attitude, his work ethic at school, his relationships with others, his desire to please, etc.  Then, all of a sudden, he was to get unsupervised phone calls.  Then it seemed he traveled miles back for every forward inch of victory we had experienced.  It was difficult, and I confessed to an understanding and trustworthy friend that I was ready for him to go home.
• That readiness made me feel guilty.  Most of the time.  Guilt is a beast.  Did I disappoint God, my Adopted Father, because I wanted him to go back to his parents?  Was I suppose to feel like he was my child?  How many opportunities of truth-teaching did I pass up because I was tired or he was annoying or I was apathetic or I was giving up or....?
• Though I felt "ready" I really wasn't.  How he was reunified was very shocking.  I am certain that the way he was sent back home was not healthy for him.  (I do feel like his mom loves him; I don't think he was being sent back to a family who did not love him, which is more than what hundreds of thousands of kids in our world get.  But, that doesn't mean the WAY it happened was best for him.)
• My boys do not want another foster child.  This makes me sad.  But, I also understand why they feel this way.  (See bullet point 1.)  I am very proud of them, though.  They handled this adventure like champs, and I am confident they will learn more about God's love and how we should love others through this experience. 
• What next?  Our agency does not have young ones, and my boys are not willing to take a teenager.  (We think we should respect the kids' voices in this ministry because it is an entire family commitment, not just one for me and my husband.)  I would love to have a toddler or even an infant.  Do we switch agencies, though?  I feel a very strong sense of loyalty to our current agency; they have invested time and money into our training.  It seems wrong to leave them.

Not a portrait that is obvious.  Maybe after some more processing of what has taken place, this random list will become some impressionist painting or something beautiful for me to see.  As of now, it's just spilled on the canvas.